After the release of my SPM results which I was shocked than I had expected. I was again unsure of what I should major in when thinking of applying for a place in university. Armed with the unexpectedly poor SPM results, I thought I had no more choices in selecting a course. I suddenly had difficulty to choose an option. Finally, I declared a major in Business Administration at Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM).

Frankly speaking, I chose this course in the first place because I do not have more option to select for me go to university. I shunned away from going into Form 6 because I had no confidence in performing well in the STPM examination.

For the first two years at university, I was not sure if I should even be there, doing such a course. I felt confused. But that situation was really the purpose of going to university to discover what I liked and disliked. It was a way of exploring my career interests. I knew what I did not want to do, but I did not know what I wanted to do. There was no way of finding out except by trying. Therefore, I started experimenting with my identity at university.

During my junior year at university, I was always treated as a young boy due to my baby face. All in all, my self-esteem was dented fairly regularly and I eagerly longed for signs of physical maturity. I joined various student societies with the motive to catch up on whatever I was lagging behind, such as tackling girls.

In terms of academics, learning all the theories without knowing their application was boring to me. I had a difficult time relating what I was learning to my life and finding meaning in what I was studying. My interest level in my course was not very encouraging in the beginning and that was quickly reflected in my grades. It was not surprising that I got "Curry Puffs" (D grades-the shape of curry puff looks like the letter D) in some subjects. My CGPA suffered seriously. The idea of changing my major crossed my mind but I never did it somehow.

Besides having problem with my academics, I encountered difficulties in relationships with my course mates, housemates, and was troubled by boy-girl relationships. During this period, I was totally lost. Busy struggling with my big identity crisis in this complex business society, I did not see the purpose and direction of my life. In that specific moment of my life, I really wished that I could just die in a road accident or the like to get out of the entire problem I was encountering. Planning about the future was totally out of my mind. The only thing I wanted was to overcome all these problems.

Thank God things changed after I honestly reflected on my past during my long-term holidays in my second year. I saw that I had made many mistakes and I learned from most of them the hard way. Anyway, there was no point regretting my past. So I told myself to make the best of the worst and that I would make something good come out of it. As for the flip-flops of my previous year, I did not consider them as failures, but as a means of gaining more life experiences.

As I attempted to discipline myself and get down to serious study, I resolved not to feel guilty any more even if my results were not excellent, as long as I knew that I had done my best. Furthermore, from all my years of formal education (from my kindergarten years), I fully understood that grades might not be accepted as a true reflection of what I had learned.

With a more positive attitude towards life, everything seemed to be improved. I performed better academically, and my relationships improved. I felt like I was born again, as if life had turned its smiling side to me again. Only with the presence of hope in my life once again, I believed that I could have a bright future, especially if I kept working and planning wisely.

So even though I could not score a '4 flat' in the examinations, it would be all right, as I now know that I can be 'round' instead of 'flat'. But one thing is certain. Wherever and whatever I might be, it will be a process of self-actualizations, towards fulfilling the purpose of my life.